An Odd Obsession

I’ve got this very odd obsession. Well, I don’t think it’s odd, but most of the people I know do. When I sit and think about it, I completely understand why it might be odd to others. But I personally think it’s not. It’s simply a part of who I am.

I’m obsessed with gay men. They just…please me to no end. I love them. I think they’re fascinating and fun and just plain awesome. There’s absolutely no rhyme or reason to it. I just do. But I don’t just love gay men. I love just about everything about them. And I mean everything. Like I said, I find the whole thing fascinating. Whether it’s in real life or in a story, I’m attracted to it. It’s at the point where I’m a fairly avid reader of yaoi – known in Japan as boys’ love – and occasional bara – another Japanese term, for gay manga that’s targeted towards gay men as opposed to women interested in gay men. The term boys’ love is a bit of a misnomer, though – none of the male characters are actually boys. They’re all 18 and older. If they weren’t, it wouldn’t be yaoi; it would be called shotacon, which is just wrong if you ask me.

But I’ve wandered from my train of thought. I suppose the whole point of this was to give some background into something I’m interested in. And maybe explain why I’m interested. The background is easy. The why? Not so much. Sometimes, even I don’t know why I like yaoi. It’s not as if the relationships in yaoi are actually realistic – more of an idealized imagining of relationships between attractive, often effeminate, homosexual males. Occasionally, the story gets somewhat graphic but not so much that one would consider it pornographic. The vast majority of yaoi is about the relationship between the uke (literally “receiver” in Japanese) and seme (literally “attacker” in Japanese). In this instance, I’m into the story for character development. Why, specifically, do I seek out yaoi character development as opposed to another source? I’ve read many other novels that created astonishingly well-rounded and realistic characters – and some not so realistic – that I could turn to if I wanted. Yet I perpetually find myself drawn to yaoi. I read it, fanfictions of it, I watch it, I look at drawings of it. I like yaoi. There’s just a part of me that is inspired to a rather wild fervor over it. Which has developed into an interest in homosexual men in general. I love hanging out with them, talking to them, etc.

It’s become a long-standing joke between my friends and me that I’m actually a gay man trapped in a woman’s body. Whether anyone can seriously believe that, including myself, is up for debate. But I’m not gonna deny the possibility. I wouldn’t be the first person in the world who decided they were born the wrong gender. Of course, the other possibility is that my brain’s just wired very differently from most others.

This whole long post basically boils down to this: I like yaoi for yaoi. I like gay men for themselves. I’m not 100% sure of the whys and wherefores, but that’s okay by me. I see nothing wrong with my attraction to it and if you do, I’m afraid you’re going to have to a) get over it or b) stop associating with me. Because the only way my interest will ever change is if you were to brainwash me quite extensively. But that’s a moral quagmire for another post.

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