I had almost forgotten I even had this blog. It’s somewhat mind-boggling to look back and see that it’s been over a year since my last blog entry. But to be honest, I’ve been more focused on just living my life and finding myself for the past year. I have been in something of a slump and was struggling to pull myself out of it. You see, I’m the type of person who both loves routine and despises feeling trapped.
A routine offers stability. It makes my life more predictable, which in turn makes the task of managing my energy a bit easier. I know I have to go to bed at a semi-reasonable hour so that I can get a certain amount of sleep. Even if I’m a zombie when I first wake up, I know it won’t last long and I’ll soon be chugging along like a slow but steady train. I know that I will work on specific days at around similar times for fairly consistent lengths of time. I know I have certain tasks that I need to accomplish in that set amount of time and I do my best to achieve that objective. I know that when I’m in school, there are classes that I have to attend on a regular basis and that there are assignments associated with those classes that I must get done in a timely manner. Admittedly, I’m not always successful at that but it doesn’t stop me from trying. This continues almost like clockwork, day in and day out. For me, routines are wonderful in that regard because for many years stability was exactly what I craved.
The problem with this situation is that my life has become too predictable. Yesterday, I had a customer come into work who had not visited the store or my particular area of it for over a month. He is a regular customer. I know exactly what he orders and how he likes it prepared. I always speak with him in a genial manner because he’s just a genuinely nice, respectful individual and you can’t help but be genial with him. And yet I had not realized that he had stopped coming to the Target Deli for an entire month. The routine of my life has made the days bleed into each other. They are so similar that I can only distinguish today from yesterday by the fact that today is my day off. I never used to mind that. But now, the realization horrifies me. I have no desire to be floating listlessly through my life. The thought of being stuck in one place, repeating a handful of tasks, with little hope for change is incredibly depressing. And worse, I cannot help but feel that much of the past four years of life – years spent wrapped up in my college education – have been wasted to some extent. And by my own choice. Because I am a creature of routine.
And now I feel trapped. I do not have the money to just uproot myself and head for somewhere far from Iowa – or to at least have the chance to travel on occasion. I do not have the degree that would afford me more opportunities to find employment that would earn me the money to leave or travel. I barely have enough to afford a Greyhound ticket home for Christmas so that I can see my mother for the first time in almost four years. What kind of life is that? I’m rapidly coming to think it’s not one worth living. And I’m trying to find ways to shake up my routine. Perhaps I should try blogging more often. Sometimes, it makes things easier to be able to put the feelings into words.
Ellie Speaks 