Here I am with another rant. This seems to be becoming a regular thing here, but what are blogs for? I kid, of course, but it’s useful nonetheless. This time, I’m talking about friendship. So I suppose it’s not so much a rant as a publicly written introspection on the friendships I’ve had over the course of my relatively short life.
Not too many friendships have ever ended “badly” for me. Sure, we’ve grown distant. We don’t talk as much as we could or should. We don’t visit with each other or play catchup or normal things friends do. Well, I suppose I can’t really visit many of them because they’re far from Iowa. And I’m not a talkative person by nature, so I’m not likely to pick up the phone and call or text someone. And I tend to be very tunnel-vision about my life. It’s a fault I’m well aware of and do try to not overindulge it. My friends that are here know this and try to keep me from the hermitic life I would otherwise live.
Setting all that aside, I can still have a conversation of some sort with the people I count as friend when I do get the urge to call them up. It doesn’t feel terribly awkward talking to them and I come away knowing what they’ve been up to and how they’re feeling. Those are the most important things to me. What’ve you been up to? How’ve you been?
The past not-quite six months have made me seriously question my friendships, though. I think I mentioned in my last post that I subscribe to the “fool me once” school of thought. For those who read my blog and know me personally, you may or may not be surprised to learn that I don’t make friends easily. Oh, I’m fairly friendly with people in class and I don’t completely shutdown if a stranger comes up and talks to me. But when it comes to really letting people into my life? Let’s just say the list isn’t very long. It’s just difficult to trust people that much. I’m not sure where exactly that comes from, but I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t like that. So really, I can probably count the number of people I consider close friends on both hands and still have room for a few more. Whether it’s a good or bad thing to be part of that small list is up to them to decide.
Which brings me to my next niggling issue. Do they think it’s a good thing? I think that’s something I worry about constantly, but I never have the courage to ask. There’s one I know beyond nearly all shadow of doubt will have my back until the very end. She knows just about everything there is to know about me – all those deep, dark secrets you normally take with you to the grave – and miraculously she’s still by my side. And admittedly, I never expected that sort of loyal friendship from her – and I’m eternally grateful for it. I still worry she’ll leave me one day, but it’s a back-burner worry. The rest I worry about all the time. Because one person I let in decided she didn’t like what she saw and mishandled it so horribly that I doubt either of us will ever be okay with the other. I think she cropped up in my last post as well – the ex-friend that’s returned to Iowa. Now I wonder what other friendships were such complete and utter bullshit – pardon my crudeness.
And that hurts, you know? Not because of what she did, but because of how she now makes me view every single friendship I’ve ever had. I never used to question before she came into my life. I never wondered if I could truly trust the people that I had come to trust. But now I’m not so sure and that hurts more terribly than I can possibly describe. Because for all that I might seem strong and indifferent and completely capable of taking on the world by myself…I would probably shatter into innumerable pieces with a well-placed and well-timed tap. That’s a terrifying thought to live with. And I sometimes wonder how I’ve managed to survive this long without losing my mind somewhere along the way.
I hope either this fear departs soon or I find the courage to ask. Because I’m starting to get tired of always doubting when I should be always hoping. Or at least content most of the time.


Another Whiny Post

So I’ve been running on this wonderful high for most of the month. As much as I’ve complained about my class, it’s been pretty enjoyable. The people in it are interesting, the topics are interesting, the teacher is awesome. The reading could be better, but life’s not perfect. I’ve been working steadily at Target and have now started up a new work-study position. I spent time with friends, chatted with family, and overall had a decent month.

And then not too long ago, it’s like I crashed. Just completely burned out like a wrecked plane or an exploded car or some similarly depressing and gruesome image. In hindsight, I should’ve seen it coming because I’d been more distracted and just flat-out exhausted the past week or so. I haven’t been able to accomplish much of anything aside from going to work at Target. And that was harder than it sounds.

I think it’s kind of struck home that I’m in a rather undesirable situation in my life. Last I checked, I’m still $2000 or more in debt to a school I’ve rapidly come to dislike. I owe money left, right, and center it seems for God only knows what. I’ve lost track. I honestly don’t know 100% what I want to do with my life or even how to get there if I did. I don’t know how I feel about an ex-friend coming back into the picture, knowing that I don’t want to spend time with her nor she with me but our mutual friends want to spend time with us both. And that’s pretty awkward, you know? I don’t want them to take sides, though I suspect that if she’s even a little like how she used to be she’ll certainly want them to. I hope she doesn’t, but I’m not optimistic.

I feel very trapped right now and have no idea how I’m going to wriggle out of it. I want to just sleep until it all disappears, but I know that won’t work. I’m sure some would say I’m depressed and that perhaps I should seek counseling. Already a few steps ahead of you, my friend. Ask for depression meds? Already taken them at some point in my life. I’ve already discovered they don’t work for me. I don’t know why, but they don’t. And I’m quite loath to try again. Kind of a “fool me once” type of deal.

Anyway, that’s my whiny post. Let angst fill my cup to the brim until it spills over and is soon replaced with fresh, pure hope. If such a thing is possible

A Rant of All Shapes and Sizes

This whole week has just been kind of rotten. I was sick for most of it and had absolutely no inclination to do anything. Things were tolerable on Monday, slumped on Tuesday, bottomed out at the end of Wednesday, and just kind of stayed there until today. Today started out decent and then sank beneath rock bottom for a while. I don’t much feel like going into the details about that, but suffice to say my final work shift could’ve ended on a much happier note than it did.

I don’t often reach this kind of low. I’m generally on a fairly even-keel every day. I don’t have manic highs or lows. I’m just kind of…there. Sounds kind of depressing, but it’s really not. It’s not like I’m miserable or anything. I’m just going from day to day, somehow managing to not lose my sanity amidst the stress I go through – and that’s a surprisingly large amount.

The “light” stress is school. And although my performance of late hasn’t been up to snuff, I’m generally not such a terrible student. I attend my classes fairly consistently, usually offer insightful commentary, and turn in decent work. I’m not stellar all the time, but I’d definitely say I’m average. And I’m fine with that.

Like I said, that’s the light stress. The rest of it comes from several other personal issues. The main one, to me at least, is finances – which I have little of. I spend most of my spare time working to pay the school. Between doing my work-study for Dining Services and working weekends at Target, I find it very surprising I don’t have more grey hairs on my head. And about 90% of it goes back to Mount Mercy. What doesn’t, goes to pay my phone bill and credit cards. For example, I was saving up to buy a new laptop. The one I have is finicky and likes to pull crazy stunts on me when I’m trying to do important work. Like, say, homework or sending important emails or downloading important documents so that I can do HOMEWORK. I had over $200 saved for that purpose. I was gonna buy a brand new laptop from Best Buy for about $300 to $400. Instead, I decided to make a massive payment to Mount Mercy so I wouldn’t be crushed under more debt. Next massive paycheck from Dining Services will be going the same route.

My weekends are rarely relaxing and my weeks are packed – except for Thursdays and evenings. And by the time I hit evening, I’m so wired and needing distraction that I don’t feel tired until about midnight. And most days, I’m awake before 7 am because of work or appointments or needing to do some last minute homework that I couldn’t get to the night before. So. I manage to accomplish everything that I do on a daily basis with less than 6 hours of sleep on average. I nap on Fridays after I’m done working in the kitchen because I wouldn’t manage to get through working at Target otherwise.

And you know what? I actually started writing this post to say that I really enjoyed the school play tonight and it made the whole rotten week a lot better. It’s called “Over the River and Through the Woods” by Joe DiPietro. Yes, this massive rant was done for the sole purpose of saying that. I really know how to beat around the bush, don’t I? I might write some sort of review about the play in another post. A post that is less whining and more “I have important things to say.” Or I’ll just make another whiney post. We’ll see.

Land of Nod

Sleep is a wonderful beautiful thing. You can go anywhere while you sleep, yet you never leave the comfort of your bed – or wherever it is you’ve happened to collapse for your jaunt into the Land of Nod. You might not always remember everything, but that’s just fine. Because along the way, you’ll see all sorts of odd and fantastical things. They range from skyscrapers the size of Jupiter to horses no bigger than your pinky nail to…well, a Jabberwock or a Minotaur. Places that were/are/will be and that never were or will be are ready to be explored and the riches – and terrors – are yours for the taking.

Well…at least if you can actually get to sleep. Which is something I’ve been having a hard time doing lately. I could be physically exhausted from, say, an hour and a half long walk to the Blairs Ferry Target but not fall asleep till around 3:30 in the morning – with a random return to wakefulness at 5 before dozing off again. And then miss the first 20 minutes of my shift for Dining Services because I never heard my 6:00 wake-up call.

Not exactly an auspicious start to my week, huh? Let’s hope it improves from here.

Stormy beauty

I love storms. Not so much the aftermath, but there’s something simply ethereal about a storm. I find them beautiful, despite the danger they represent. And I always wind up being torn between wanting to curl up in front of a fire with a good book (and a cup o’ hot chocolate) and running out to dance in the rain. Not much dancing happens, sadly. I’m ultimately a creature of comfort, after all. But some days…some days it’s hard to resist. Today was one of those days. And all that’s keeping me inside right now is the fact I have homework to do. Sad days.

I suppose I’ll just have to settle for watching through the Busse skylight right now. All while enjoying the thunderous melody of the storm. It almost makes the whole day perfect. Almost.